I’m scared to live
This was hard to admit since life is meant to be lived. It's scary to admit but I fear living more than I fear death. Does that make me weird or do other people feel like this too?
I strongly believe that I missed the class on how to live. When everyone else was in class getting a guide on “How to live life” I was not there. I missed the class on it. I do not get the textbook or the cheat sheet on it. I have failed that exam more times than SpongeBob has failed his driving test.
I live my life in a routine. The routine has not changed in the past 20 years but I hope it will change in the near future.
My daily routine
Alarm. Gym. Shower. School. Late nights. That’s how I have lived my life for the past few years. Those are 5 core things that happen when things are going okay. Not great or amazing just okay, liveable but still empty.
Alarm. Gym. School. Late nights. A routine that comes up when my depression bubbles to the surface. Hygiene is always the first thing to do when I feel the world has turned its back on me. Why should I look my best for something that doesn’t care?
Alarm. School. Late nights. I can’t deal with the world. Close to my breaking point but got to keep up with my schoolwork. I rather walk around campus in a numb state of mind than miss school.
Alarm. Late nights. The sun is too bright for me. I feel numb to everything but also overly sensitive to everything. My bed is an island on days like this with no visitors or delivery. Just the island and me. A storm covers the island
Late nights. The is something peaceful and scary about being up when the rest of the world is asleep. The world is quiet but my mind is restless coming up with ideas and keeping me up. I wish I could turn it off but I can’t. The world is so quiet but so loud all at the time.
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